Mom

When my memories first surfaced I became obsessed with therapy and self-help books.  I would do anything and everything to stop this confusion, to "get better".  

I joined a women's group in September 1995.  We spent five months together, sharing our fears, sharing our stories.  Six survivors.  What an amazingly strong group of women.  

During one of our sessions, we were asked to write a letter to our Mom and then a reply (which I wrote as my Mom).  I post these here as they were very healing for me.  I loved my mother deeply.  She died in 1980 when she was but 45 years young.  I miss her more than ever.  I dedicate this page to her.  

I know Mom will be there with me in August as I watch my daughter marry her best friend of 9 years.  It will be a day of joy over laden with such sadness and loss.  I am proud of the woman I became.  I know Mom is proud too.

I love you, Mom

January, 1996

Dear Mom,

It's been a long struggle to get where I am.  It's been hard all these years, trying so desperately to deal with feelings - but never understanding them or where they came from.

I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to tell you about what happened.  I was so scared.  But somehow I felt that by telling Aunty Eileen I was somehow telling you.  It was very hard to tell her but I'm so glad I did.  I'm very anxious to see her next month when I head home.  I'm anxious to see everyone.

I really miss you Mom, especially now - with all the problems I'm facing in my marriage and then trying to heal from all those years ago.  I still don't understand completely how all those things happened, but I know the profound affect they had on my life and the paths that I have followed.

I need your help right now Mom, more than I ever have in my life - and I need you to know that I have never been angry at you for the things that you did to me - I understand your situation and I know it wasn't easy.

I love you, Mom, more than ever, please help me if you can - I really need you - I need your strength and determination, your courage and pride - I need to find, inside of me, what I need to make me truly happy.

I'm scared to death, Mom, but I know full well I'll get where I need to go.  And the journey there will be a learning experience.

I hope you and Dad are enjoying your time together again - I hope at last you have both found peace.

I ask you only one thing, Mom, please help me discover what is behind my memories of the basement or help me to put them away.

I love you, Mom, and you need to know I feel you here sometimes.  I know you're proud of me, Mom, and extra proud of your grandchildren.  They've been the greatest kids - trying at times - but the greatest.  Thanks for helping me raise them, Mom, when I wasn't really there.

Help me be strong and get through all this.

I miss you so much,

Love,

Janet

January, 1996 Reply (written by me as my mother)

Dear Janet,

It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter to you.  You have been through so much on your own.  But you have survived and you will get well and find happiness within you.  I know I wasn't always there for you when you needed me and for that I am truly sorry.  If only things had been different back then - but they weren't.

I promise you I will be here to help you to be strong to do what you know you must do.  You do have all the answers you need inside, you just have to listen and be strong - listen to your inner voice, honey, it will guide you in the right direction.  Don't let anyone else try to tell you what's right and wrong - listen to your body - it knows what feels wrong.

I love you more than life itself, my child, my precious daughter.  And I am so very proud of all the hard work you are doing - it isn't easy - not any of it - but you are moving in the right direction.

Things will be good for you very soon.  You still have family who love you and are there for you - but don't expect them to understand - no one could possibly understand the horror you endured unless they too are survivors.

Choose your friends carefully - listen to your body talk to you.

Listen to your fear - it is trying to tell you something.  It's ok to be afraid. - but you need to find the deep fear - only then can healing truly begin - find the truth my darling.

Feel me with you, I'm sorry I had to leave you when I did - it was my time.  Your Dad and I are proud of all your accomplishments.  You were and are a brave little girl.

Hang in there, sweetie,

Love,

Mom

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