My Story Part 1

Originally written on October 1, 1995

My mom worked hard to support the two of us.  It was difficult raising a child by herself.  She had emotional support from her family, but she was very stubborn and independent.  She loved my father very much and nothing was going to get in the way.

She worked very long hours, evening shifts, at the local Cotton mill.  I was often left alone.  My Aunt Rhea and Uncle Pete lived downstairs, so my Mom wasn't too concerned for my safety.  It was much better in this new apartment, having family so close by.  Mom didn't need to worry so about me.  I know she hated leaving to go to work at night, but I always seemed so grown up.

There was a nice family living next door with two young children.  Billy was my age and Kathy was a couple of years younger.  I played a lot with Billy, Kathy joined in sometimes too, but I don't remember her playing with us much, she had a bad case of eczema all over her body and I think she was embarrassed by it.  

But Billy and I played together all the time.  We used to hang out in the field in the back yard, making forts, playing house.. it was the playing house that got me in trouble...

I remember on day playing in the tall grass and Billy took his pants down to pee... I wanted to see, curious little kid that I was... well we shared what neither of us knew anything about... we had no idea we were doing anything wrong.  

If I remember correctly, Billy did kiss me.  

I had a lot of friends at that time.  I remember dressing up and playing with dolls.  I had a really neat baby buggy for my dolls and my girlfriends and I used to dress up in my mom's high heals and dresses and hats... then take our "babies" for a walk.

One day, when I went to call on Billy, I knocked on the door and someone yelled to come in.  I went in and ran upstairs looking for Billy.  But Billy wasn't there.  His dad was in the house alone.  He grabbed me at the top of the stairs and said he wanted to show me something.

He was really hurting my arm.  He pushed me  towards the bedroom window which overlooked the back yard... and he pointed out to me that he watched me and Billy take our clothes off, and did I like that, would I take my clothes off for him.

I was really scared.

He said he looked quite different from Billy and did I want to see.  I just stood there shaking, I was so scared.  He started to undo his pants.  I tried to run, but he caught my arm and threw me on the bed.

I opened my mouth to holler, but he covered it very quickly with his hand.  He pulled my top up and shorts down and jumped on top of me.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I just wanted to get away.  Why was he hurting me so?  I was so scared.

Then all of a sudden it was like I left my body, I was watching everything happen from the corner of the room.  He was on top of me, pumping and pumping, and finally he let go.

I tried to run again, but my shorts go caught.  He grabbed me and held my arm really tight and told me if I told anyone he would really hurt me next time and that if I told a soul he'd hurt my mommy!

I didn't want him to hurt my mom.  

He le t me go finally and I ran outside and hid in one of our forts for a very long time.  I just cried and shook.  I just wanted to die.  I didn't understand what I had done  to make him so mad at me.

Why was he punishing me?  

But I couldn't tell my mom, so I had to think of something. I stayed put until I stopped crying, then I ran home and washed and when mom came home I told her I fell on the bar of my bike and it really hurt and there was blood on my panties.  She asked if I was OK.  I said yes.

It didn't hurt anymore.  She told me to be careful next time.  She believed me.

I was safe.  Mom was safe.

I was 10 years old.

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